Let's give anxiety some consideration today. You've likely experienced it over and over. You may have heard about certain types of anxiety like phobias and panic attacks, or diagnoses like Generalized Anxiety Disorder or Panic Disorder. There are lots of levels and experiences of anxiety, and sometimes even different definitions of anxiety from person to person. Anxiety is essentially worrying, feeling afraid, overthinking, and sometime panicking.
The common thread is that anxiety exists and is real for all of us, because it stems from an innate human emotion...Fear. John Gottman, marital therapist and researcher, identified four patterns of communication that are most disruptive in intimate relationships, so disruptive in fact, that they are predictors of divorce in married couples. I've found that describing these patterns to couples in counseling has been helpful in resolving communication problems. Gottman wrote about them in his book called The Marriage Clinic, calling them the "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse." (I'm on the fence about that name, but it is kind of amusing and easy to remember.) Here's a summary:
Tasks. How many do you do in a day? Countless, right? How do you feel about doing them? Perhaps tired and discouraged, feeling that your tasks don't really have a greater purpose? Or maybe you feel energized and encouraged by some of the things you do in a day? The English dictionary definition of a task is "a definite piece of work assigned to, falling to, or expected of a person; a duty."
Chances are you don't have these words below on your to-do list. I know I don't. Imagine yourself here on the edge of this lake. You have all day to spend here and you are trying to decide what to do next. How do you know whether you want to stay here at the edge, take a swim, or go to the other side? If you want to go to the other side, how do you get there? Do you go straight across, or go around the edge? If you want to take a swim, how long do you stay and what comes next when you're done? These questions are a lot like what happens in the goal-setting process in life.
Why is goal setting important? Why can't we just drift about day-to-day doing what comes naturally at any given point?...Because humans are inherently goal-driven, and if you're drifting about without a goal that you can name, you may likely feel guilty, empty, or lazy. And goals don't have to be monumental. They don't have to be pie-in-the-sky, dream-big kind of goals. They certainly can be, and I would argue that most successful people do, indeed, dream big. However, setting and reaching goals involves small, ordinary everyday accomplishments too. Here are four steps to mindfully setting goals that matter.
2. Define your expectations. Project into the future a bit, and use your imagination to create your best life. When you consider the values most important to you, how do you want to be living them out in 5 years? Imagine the specifics of your everyday life in 5 years. Who will you be with? What job will you have? Where do you live? What do you do for fun? Now, take time to reflect again on the accomplishments you've already made. 3. Make a plan. And be sure you are capable of accomplishing it. Work your way back in time towards now, and identify what actions do you need to take now to reach your 5 year goal? What is likely to get in your way, and hold you back? When making your plan, consider these important parts. What small daily or monthly tasks will help you reach your goal over time? What are the outcomes that you can measure to tell whether you've succeeded? Now acknowledge this work you've done to make a plan. 4. Re-adjust your goal and plan as needed. It's the most important step! Re-adjusting, giving yourself latitude, being honest with yourself...these are all components of self-compassion, or simply stated, being kind to yourself. Self-compassion is what will keep you moving forward even when things don't work out how you'd planned. Because things are bound to not work out sometimes. Your attitude toward yourself in the challenging moments will shape how you feel about your goal in general. Self-compassion will keep you resilient and help you recover from setbacks. And again, as you adjust your goals and plans, take time to reflect on what you've already accomplished. Praise yourself. How often do we say to ourselves, "I really did well today," or "I worked hard on this project," or "Even though I haven't reached my goal, I'm still a capable and worthwhile person and will keep trying." For most of us, not often enough. I hope you can take these steps and use them to define your goals. Whether you want a new job, a new house, to start a business, to start a relationship, to deepen a relationship you already have, or really any other life circumstance, taking time to clearly define your goals based on your values will increase the likelihood you will reach them...and feel good about your efforts.
This week we move on to downward facing dog, Adho Mukha Svanasana (pronounced Aw-do Mew-hah Shf-vah-nah-sah- nah... wow that's tricky). It's the keystone pose of so many sequences in a vinyasa-based practice, and it's great to practice anytime you need a little time-out and energy boost. This pose elongates and releases tension in the entire back of the body, including the calves, ankles, hamstrings, lower back, upper back, neck and top of the head. It is an accessible way to turn yourself upside down, too. Placing the head below the heart keeps the circulatory system toned and running in top form. When the blood flows vigorously, the mind clears, resilience is nurtured, and heavy emotions may lighten. In addition to the back body stretching, downward facing dog allows the mind to behold the world from a new perspective and we see ourselves in a new way. See the two pictures below for an example of positioning in this pose. Physical Cues: There are lots of ways to get into downward facing dog, but here's my favorite. Come into Uttansana, standing forward fold. Check out the Week 2 blog for specifics on how to get into it. Bend the knees as deep as you need to place the hands flat on the ground and step both feet back until you are in the shape of an upside down V, usually about 3-4 feet depending on your height. The hands press down firmly into the mat, spreading out through all ten fingers. The head is in line with the biceps, and the neck is relaxed. The shoulder blades press flat against the back and together slightly, to engage the upper arms. The hips lift high toward the sky while the heels search toward the floor. Your heels most likely will not reach the floor yet, and it's ok! The calves and Achilles tendons will open more over time. Take at least 4-5 long inhales and exhales, and feel the back body stretch and open. To come out, I love to set the knees down on the floor, then set the hips to the heels, bringing the upper body to rest on the thighs and forehead toward the ground (Child's Pose). But you can also walk the feet back up to Uttansana, or just come to seated. Lots of options!
Mental Benefits: Have you ever felt stuck in a rut, moving through life in a way that is familiar but unexciting? Maybe you've also had the experience of shaking things up, trying something new, and challenging yourself in a way that brought back energy and excitement in your life? This energy may come from a new job, a new relationship, a new home, a new project, a new daily routine, a new hobby, or anything else that is "new" to you. I liken downward facing dog to that sense of "newness" that brings fresh energy into our lives. This pose gets the circulation flowing, so that fresh energy is carried throughout the body, especially to the brain. Turning ourselves upside down, we literally see the world differently and feel differently about it. We may be able to shift a mood of indifference to interest, or from anger to tolerance. Also, this pose wakes up our physical foundation, the back body. Think about how the back body is intricately engaged in all movements you make throughout the day, whether it's walking, running, resting, or sitting. Your back constantly holds you up and allows you to carry out the tasks required in your daily life. Taking time to invert, stretch, lengthen, and nurture the back also encourages this fresh new mental energy to emerge. So there we go, downward facing dog. It's a beautiful shape to take! Next week, let's move on to down dog's complimentary and opposite pose, upward facing dog, or Urdvha Mukha Svanasana. Happy Wednesday, all! Here's your pose for the week, Utkatasana (Ewt-kah-tah-sah-nah), or chair pose. It's a staple of most yoga practices. As the name implies, the action is sitting down into an imaginary chair. Chairs, of course, are a symbol of comfort, rest, relaxation, and ease. And in this pose, we learn to balance ease with effort.
You may get so overwhelmed you shut down and say nothing. You may say "I don't know." You may leave the room in a panic. You may get angry at them for asking and go on a rant about something else. You may try to answer without making sense. You may feel awful about yourself. You may tell yourself you failed.
Or...before saying or doing anything else, you may remind yourself to breathe. You might take a deep breath and repeat the question to be sure you understand. You might breathe some more, and find that your shoulders relax. You might notice that your breath nurtures you, and the panic might subside. You might suggest further action to take. You might remind yourself that you are worthy, you are prepared, and that it's ok not to know all the answers. You might engage collaboratively with those around you to work toward a common goal. Utkatasana makes me think of business meetings and how terribly uncomfortable we can sometimes be in chairs! This pose allows us to practice becoming comfortable in an uncomfortable situation. Becoming and transforming are the important actions. Breathing with awareness is what transforms the situation, whether your situation is a tense meeting or is simply standing in Utkatasana. Physical Cues: Stand tall in mountain pose. Find strength in the belly by tucking the tail bone under. Slowly bend the knees, moving the tail bone down toward the floor. Keep tucking the tailbone, and engaging the belly. If you'd like, raise the arms above the head with the palms facing one another, while keeping the shoulders relaxed down away from the ears. If your shoulders are tense and uncomfortable, keep the hands at your chest, palms together. Sit as low as you can, while keeping the chest upright, with crown of the head and spine reaching toward the ceiling, rather than forward. Stay for as many breaths as you can breathe calmly. Then straighten the legs for a few breaths, maybe take a standing forward bend (last week's pose, Uttansana), and repeat if desired. Mental benefits: As I described above, Utkatasana offers us a reflection of how we handle static, tense, anxiety- provoking situations. When we are anxious but confined, like in that business meeting (or in traffic, in class, etc), panic can set in. When you practice Utkatasana, challenge yourself to stay in the pose to the point of discomfort just momentarily. Then, take note of your emotional reaction to your discomfort. Using the breath to manage that emotional reaction prepares you for life outside your yoga practice, off the mat. Your next business meeting or traffic jam is fertile ground to apply your breath and emotional awareness. Namaste! Next week, let's talk about arguably the most widely known yoga pose, downward facing dog. In Sanskrit, it's Adho Mukha Svanasana (say that three times fast! :) Do you have goals for 2015? Resolutions? Are you rethinking your approach to an important area of your life? Chances are good that you are, because what better time to realign ourselves than at the beginning of a whole new year. I have many goals for the new year, and I'm excited to share this one. Over the years as a practicing yogi, I've learned lots of poses, or asanas. I've learned both how to shape my body into them, how to teach others these shapes, and what these shapes are called ...in English. Because my teacher training program encouraged the use of English names only in order to make the poses more accessible to Americans, I have so far learned very few in Sanskrit. Various teachers at various studios I've attended used Sanskrit names repeatedly in class, and through that repetition, I picked up some. But I want to learn more, so... My goal for this year is to learn a new pose in Sanskrit each week, and use the Sanskrit name in my practice and my teaching. Each week I will focus on a new pose, tell you the Sanskrit and English names, describe the physical shape and the mental benefits. Why take on this task? Is it important to learn these poses in Sanskrit? Well, this is a question I've asked myself lots of times over the years, and obviously my answer until now has been "no, not really, not important enough." But I've changed my mind for one simple reason. Using Sanskrit honors the antiquity and wisdom of the practice. Honoring the practice is an important way to keep ourselves balanced within it. So here's the first pose I will present in Sanskrit, as I get a head start on the new year! And I get a two-for-one because this pose has two names.
Physical Instructions: In this pose, stand balanced on your two feet together or hips-width distance apart, depending on which version allows the most stability and focus. Feel the four corners of each foot grounded into the earth. Engage the thigh muscles and turn them inward. Tuck the pelvis, and feel the abdominals engage. Lift the spine toward the sky, and pull the shoulders back slightly and allow the shoulder blades glide down the back. Relax the neck and forehead, and gaze forward. Mental Benefits:
Tadasana tests our ability to engage only as much as necessary, and focus on the simplicity of standing upright. It may help you understand when your desires are out of balance. For instance, if you stand in tadasana and find yourself wanting to move out of it immediately, ask yourself what would you rather be doing right now? If you'd rather be doing a push up or a headstand, you may over-desire movement. If you'd rather be sitting or lying down, you might tend to over-desire stillness. If you'd rather be checking items off your to do list, you might over-desire work. And so on. Tadasana teaches us to be here now in lightly engaged stillness.
So this discontent that accompanies the holidays is another example of paradox in life...that along with joy comes pain, along with celebration comes sadness, and along with community comes isolation. Do you allow yourself to experience the not so joyful part of the holidays or do you avoid it? Do you accept your dissatisfaction or do you attempt to force yourself and others to be jolly? Is there a way to accept the imperfections of our families, friends, jobs, finances, and moods this holiday season so that we can then have a different... and better... experience? Here are three ways to process and accept the not-so-jolly feelings this time of year. 1. Name the negative feelings. Sad, Mad, Guilty, Ashamed, Rushed, Frantic, Afraid. Those are just a few of the many emotions we feel any time of year. But these "bad" feelings seem particularly closeted around the holidays, because really, who wants to be around an sad person at Christmas, or a mad person at Thanksgiving? But there's an important distinction between bringing others down and simply owning your emotions. By naming the feeling, recognizing when it's present, writing about it, painting a picture about it, talking to someone about it in an effort to move past it, you are coping in a healthy way. Complaining, whining, brooding, sulking, exploding, getting drunk or high...these are not healthy ways to express negative emotions because they impair relationships. These methods of expression send your loved ones running for the hills at the prospect of spending extra time with you this time of year. Take time to understand this distinction, then process the negative stuff in a way that will free you from it rather than creating more of it. 2. Choose one negative experience you've had around this time of year that may still trouble you, and write about it in rich detail. Really delve into the memory of it.... with the following important caveat. Have a loved one or a professional within reach if your memory is extremely painful. Don't attempt to go at this alone your memory is traumatic, meaning it involved physical or psychological violence, a natural disaster, accident, combat, sexual abuse, or something equally disturbing. Use this checklist to help you recall traumatic events in your life. If you have experienced trauma, a mental health professional can help you work through it safely. If you're memory is not traumatic, rather just unpleasant, continue this rich description process. Remember where you were, who was around (if anyone), what the surroundings looked like, particular objects, scents, and sights you recall from the day. Identify what upset you most. Was it specific words that were spoken, tone of voice used, and/or facial expressions that bothered you? Maybe you had a very negative experience and you were alone. What was the hardest part? Do you recall what was going through your mind? If your event involved the actions of others, what reactive thoughts do you recall having as the event was happening? What feelings did you have? It's important to distinguish thoughts and feelings here. Feelings get imprinted onto a memory and your later recollections of it, like at subsequent holiday gatherings or certain times of year. The feelings are the proverbial "baggage" that we carry. Once you've described your memory in detail, choose the least disturbing detail and bring it into your awareness while consciously relaxing for one minute. Set a timer on your phone, and sit in a relaxed state as you keep ask yourself, "is it possible to not pour more negative energy into this memory?" Then over the course of the next few days or weeks, successively bring the more troubling aspects of the memory, one at a time, into your awareness as you practice relaxation. You are re-training your brain to process the memory in a different way, and eventually it will become less uncomfortable.
I've recently been thinking a lot about how positive change occurs and what it takes to reach goals. How is it we shape the life we want to live? I watched the movie Brave last night with my kids and Merida teaches about the importance of knowing ourselves well enough to choose our own paths in life, while still respecting tradition and societal norms around us. It's easy to fall into patterns based on others' expectations or behaviors. For instance... to choose a college because that's where your parents or friends want you to go, or to choose a profession because of the financial reward rather than a true passion. Similarly, we fall into habitual coping patterns based on what we see around us, including the way our parents or significant others cope with things. If our parents screamed and fought, we may find ourselves doing the same thing as adults, even if we don't want to. If our friends use alcohol and drugs to numb life's challenges, we may fall into the same behavior, even though we know the danger. So once these negative coping mechanisms are in place, and lead to more suffering, how does change occur? First, we learn to practice self-compassion. Recognizing when change needs to occur, in order to live our very best life, is a multi-stage process. This awareness itself can be hard to come by. We often adamantly defend our negative ways of coping, or our lack of movement toward long-term goals, with statements like: "This is the only way I know how to do things..." Or "Even though I'm dissatisfied with my job, I'm comfortable there..." Or "Using drugs is the only way to deal with this stress, nothing else works..." Or "Everyone else is wrong, they just don't understand me..." Then, once we get to the awareness that something about us needs to change, we may experience a wave of negative self-talk. There may be guilt and shame about how we've behaved in the past. We may believe our own deficit in character is responsible for our problems, therefore we will always be sub-par, inadequate, and hopelessly flawed. I encourage every client I see to maintain self-compassion and self-acceptance through the counseling process. Even though change may be ideal, the practice of being kind to ourselves in our current state and as we are today will lead to a more fulfilling and pleasant life. Second, it's often tempting to push ourselves too hard. Some pushing is necessary, otherwise we are stuck. But too much pushing is not helpful either. I call this the three P's of the growth process. We can Push ourselves gently to take sometimes difficult but advantageous steps forward. This is the beneficial nudging that moves us to a new and better place in life. But we sometimes will become more insistent on change and become Pushy with ourselves. (We all know the feeling of being on the receiving end of "pushy" behavior from someone else. Is it possible to recognize this behavior in ourselves toward ourselves?) Finally, striving toward change in its most brutal form becomes Punishing, actually causing more harm than good. We may demand change at any cost, and be unable to accept the time it takes to create new habits or thought patterns. Negative self-talk increases. We may starve ourselves or binge eat. We may increase use of drugs or alcohol. We may exercise compulsively.
The goal is to maintain balance between desire for change and acceptance of our present state. Do you think that's possible? I'd love to hear comments! As always, go and be, and Flourish. |
AuthorKambria Kennedy-Dominguez, LPC-S |