Flourish Counseling
  • Home
  • Services
    • Depression
    • Anxiety
    • Bipolar Disorder
    • Psychosis
    • Addiction
    • Grief
    • Trauma
    • Individual Counseling
    • Group Counseling
    • Couples Counseling
    • Yoga and Counseling
  • Contact
    • Schedule Your Session
    • Our Location
    • Our Counselors >
      • Kambria Kennedy-Dominguez
      • Megan Kennedy-Kotalik
      • Rosanna L. Santiago
      • Dr. Yu-Fen Lin
      • Danielle Adams
      • Nancy Sperry
      • Stacy Marshall
      • Melissa Fowler
      • Ariella Rodriguez
      • Malarie Kennedy
      • Jasmine Herrera-Martinez
      • Jason Anderson
  • FAQs
    • Fees and Insurance
    • Privacy Policy
    • LPC Supervision
    • Careers
  • Blog

Couples Communication Tips

12/5/2015

 
John Gottman, marital therapist and researcher, identified four patterns of communication that are most disruptive in intimate relationships, so disruptive in fact, that they are predictors of divorce in married couples. I've found that describing these patterns to couples in counseling has been helpful in resolving communication problems. Gottman wrote about them in his book called The Marriage Clinic, calling them the "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse." (I'm on the fence about that name, but it is kind of amusing and easy to remember.) Here's a summary:

  1. Criticism. This occurs when you paint a picture of your partner as a flawed individual. Criticizing is different than voicing a complaint. For example, a complaint might be "I wish you would take out the trash." A criticism would be, "You never take out the trash because you are so lazy." Over time this kind of criticism can create a large divide between partners because the target of criticism starts to become defensive. 
  2. Defensiveness. This happens when you have an argument and spend most of your time defending why you are right. This is the blind spot in conflict. Your partner might have a valid point, but if you agree, you admit your part in it. Admissions of wrongdoing can be very hard in relationships, so defensiveness becomes the default at times. If you hear yourself often denying any responsibility for the problems in a relationship, you are most likely in defensive mode. 
  3. Stonewalling. Ever had your partner leave the room, roll their eyes, or look away when a difficult topic arises? Ever had the silent treatment? That's stonewalling. It's a fundamental avoidance technique used when there's a perceived inability to resolve a difference or open up to the negative experience of conflict.  Disagreement, disappointment, and anger with our partners are difficult emotions to have. Avoidance of them is very common, and stonewalling often results.
  4. Contempt. Gottman states that contempt is the most difficult of the four because it tends to be the highest predictor of divorce among married couples. Contempt is akin to disgust with your partner. It involves a sense that you are better than them. Sometimes this takes the form of mockery or making fun, and particularly in public, can be hurtful and destructive of trust. Contempt undermines the perception of a relationship as an emotionally safe place.
Picture
So what to do when you see the four horseman appear in your relationship?

Most importantly, know that a healthy relationship is not devoid of these negative patterns of communication. All relationships struggle. The goal is not to avoid having problems in your relationship, but rather to focus on healthy repairs when ruptures occur. 

Healthy repairs include recognizing when you are criticizing, defending, stonewalling, or contemptuous. Talking through differences with willingness to have the difficult feelings that come along with them is a healthy step toward mutual understanding. A couples counselor can help guide these difficult conversations in a productive way, and provide the couple with the tools to accept difficult emotions. Counseling also provides neutral territory where everyone's points are equally valid and everyone has equal opportunity to express their needs.  

    Authors

    Kambria Kennedy-Dominguez, Counselor and yoga teacher specializing in mental health, substance abuse and wellness.

    Megan Kennedy, Counselor specializing in adolescents and families.

    Archives

    January 2019
    October 2018
    July 2018
    April 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    August 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    August 2016
    June 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014

    Categories

    All
    Addiction
    Anxiety
    Art Therapy
    Bipolar
    Busy
    Depression
    Grief
    Health
    Healthcare
    Hospice
    Illness
    Marriage
    Meditation
    Positive Change
    Psychosis
    PTSD
    Relationships
    Relaxation
    Schizophrenia
    Self Compassion
    Self-Compassion
    Stages Of Change
    Substance Use
    Trauma
    Work Life
    Yoga

    RSS Feed

    View my profile on LinkedIn
Schedule Your Session
Phone: 972.755.9120 | Fax: 214.723.5345
office@wecanflourish.com
​533 W. 12th Street​
Dallas, TX 75208
​
Photos used under Creative Commons from mat_walker, Kool Cats Photography over 5 Million Views, Maria Eklind, ForbesOste, professor.jruiz, thedailyenglishshow, justbeaphotographycompany, ToGa Wanderings, andropic257, bochalla, Dean Hochman, Kitty Terwolbeck, Alyssa L. Miller, MarcieLew, anokarina, Giorgio Galeotti, Randy Heinitz, quinn.anya, U.S. Naval Forces Central Command/U.S. Fifth Fleet, Hoshi_sae, TheGufotography, WeGotKidz, stallio, Julien.Belli, gagilas, astrologyphotographywesildssharon, atomicShed, Marlton Trainer, Pai Shih
  • Home
  • Services
    • Depression
    • Anxiety
    • Bipolar Disorder
    • Psychosis
    • Addiction
    • Grief
    • Trauma
    • Individual Counseling
    • Group Counseling
    • Couples Counseling
    • Yoga and Counseling
  • Contact
    • Schedule Your Session
    • Our Location
    • Our Counselors >
      • Kambria Kennedy-Dominguez
      • Megan Kennedy-Kotalik
      • Rosanna L. Santiago
      • Dr. Yu-Fen Lin
      • Danielle Adams
      • Nancy Sperry
      • Stacy Marshall
      • Melissa Fowler
      • Ariella Rodriguez
      • Malarie Kennedy
      • Jasmine Herrera-Martinez
      • Jason Anderson
  • FAQs
    • Fees and Insurance
    • Privacy Policy
    • LPC Supervision
    • Careers
  • Blog